ENGINEERING JOKES
- Trouble Shooting Flowchart
- Who Designed The Human Body
- What You Will Learn In Engineering
- Top 23 Engineers' Terminologies
- Top Ten Reasons to Date an Engineer
- Real Engineers
- Engineer in Hell
- Programmer and Engineer
- TM of CIA -- True Meanings of Computer Industry Acronyms
- Dilbert's Salary Theorem
- Operating on Engineers
- You May Be An Engineer
Who designed the human body?
The first fellow says "I think it might be a Mechanical Engineer, because of joints and muscle and sense of balance." The other three nod there heads and say "Yeah, could be."
The second fellow says "I think it might be an Electrical Engineer, because of the nervous system and neural network." The other three nod there heads and say "Yeah, could be."
The third fellow says "I think it might be a Chemical Engineer, because of hormonal balances and metabolism." The other three nod there heads and say "Yeah, could be."
The fourth fellow snaps his fingers and shouts out "I know, it HAD to have been a Civil engineer!" The other three ask "Why?"
"Well" says the fourth fellow, "who else would put a waste water drainage right through a recreational area!"
What you will learn in Engineering
You can not study and pass
Multiple choice does not mean easy
There are no trains here
Six exams can be written in 4 days, but it hurts
You can skip all the classes, study for 15 minutes before the final and still do better than an arts student in any arts class
Pi to six decimal places
Judging by my fellow students, engineers are either drunks or geeks
Everyone is someone else's wierdo
Front Row people are wierd
Those who can, do, those who can't, teach
A 95.75% can be an A
An 80.1% can be an A+
You can kill your neighbors with a 9 volt battery
You NEED an HP
Top 23 Engineers' Terminologies
A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED
We are still pissing in the wind.
EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM
We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION
We know who to blame.
MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED
We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
The only person who understood the thing quit.
IT IS IN THE PROCESS
It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
WE WILL LOOK INTO IT
Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL
Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING
We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.
GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION
I can't wait to hear this bull!
SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS
Come into my office, I'm lonely.
ALL NEW
Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
RUGGED
Too damn heavy to lift!
LIGHTWEIGHT
Lighter than RUGGED.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
One finally worked.
ENERGY SAVING
Achieved when the power switch is off.
LOW MAINTENANCE
Impossible to fix if broken.
IT IS TECHNICALLY IMPOSSIBLE
I don't feel like doing it.
IT DEPENDS...
Abandon all hope of a useful answer.
THE DATA BITS ARE FLEXED THROUGH A COLLECTIMIZER WHICH STRIPS THE FLOW-GATE ARRAYS INTO VIRTUAL MESSAGE ELEMENTS
I don't know.
Top Ten Reasons to Date an Engineer
Large Earning Potential
Can handle stress and strain in relationships
Know all the dynamics of relative motion
Learn about the benefits of friction and viscosity
FREE body diagrams
Always back up their hard drives
Trained to do it right the first time
Specialized in experimentation
Can go all night with no hint of fatigue
Real Engineers...
Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for their birthday.
Real Engineers wear mustaches or beards for "efficiency". Not because they're lazy.
Real engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words.
Real Engineers think a "biting wit" is their fox terrier.
Real Engineers know the second law of thermodynamics - but not their own shirt size.
Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, televisions, atches, and automatic transmissions.
Real Engineers say "It's 70 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees Celsius, and 298 degrees Kelvin" and all you say is "Isn't it a nice day"
Real Engineers give you the feeling you're having a conversation with a dial tone or busy signal.
Real Engineers wear badges so they don't forget who they are. Sometimes a note is attached saying "Don't offer me a ride today. I drove my own car".
Real Engineers' politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their name on it and an office with a window.
Real Engineers know the "ABC's of Infrared" from A to B.
Real Engineers rotate their tires for laughs.
Real Engineers will make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a bird bath.
Real Engineers' briefcases contain a Phillips screwdriver, a copy of "Quantum Physics", and a half of a peanut butter sandwich.
Real Engineers know that Halloween is really the same as Christmas, because OCT 31 = DEC 25. (If you _don't_ get it, then you're not a Real Engineer.)
Real Engineers don't find the above at all funny.
Engineer in Hell
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Programmer & Engineer
The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50!" Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.
Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer,"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.
The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.
TM of CIA -- True Meanings of
Computer Industry Acronyms
Apple: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
ACRONYM: A Completely Random Order Never Yields Meaning
Basic: Bill's (Gates) Attempt to Seize Industry Control
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
DEC: Do Expect Cuts
DOS: Defunct Operating System
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
Macintosh: Most Applications Crash, If Not, The Operating System Hangs
M.C.S.E.: Must Call Someone Else
MICROSOFT : Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
PENTIUM : Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
SCSI: System Can't See It
WINDOWS : Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
WWW: World Wide Wait
Dilbert's Salary Theorem
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time.
Since: Knowledge = Power,
then Knowledge = Work / Time,
and Time = Money,
then Knowledge = Work / Money.
Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Operating on Engineers
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open
them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open
them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and
everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless,
gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable."
The fifth surgeon says "I like engineers . They always understand when you have
a few parts left over at the end."
You may be an engineer ...
If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner.
If you want an 8X CD-ROM for Christmas.
If Dilbert is your hero.
If you can name six Star Trek episodes.
If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
If your wristwatch has more computing power than a 486DX-50.
If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
If you use a CAD package to design your child's Pine Wood Derby car.
If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.
If you window-shop at Radio Shack.
If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
If you have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run.
If you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage-door opener and your camera's flash attachment.
If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is.
If you have modified your can opener to be microprocessor-driven.
If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
If you have ever taken the back off of your TV just to see what's inside.
If a team of you and your co-workers has set out to modify the antenna of the radio in your work area for better reception.
If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project.
If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
If you have never backed up your hard drive.
If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as is."
If you see a good design and still have to change it.
If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind.
If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers but you don't remember where they are.
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
If you have more toys than your kids.
If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name.
If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
If your IQ is bigger than your weight.
If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix them.
If you can remember seven computer passwords but not your anniversary.
If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already.
If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for.
If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal.
If you know how to take the cover off of your computer and what size screw driver to use.
If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
If people groan at the party when you pick out the music.
If you did the sound system for your senior prom.
If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.
If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.
If you spend more on your home or laptop computer than your car.
If you know what http:// stands for.
If you know C.
If you've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.
If your three-year-old child asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
If your four basic food groups are: l. caffeine; 2. fat; 3. sugar; 4.chocolate.
If you can understand sentences with four or more acronyms in them.
If you have automated everything in your house, but none of it meets the National Electrical Code.
If you have ever tried to network your home PC, microwave oven and garage-door opener.
If your spouse keeps tripping over the wire you strung -- temporarily -- three years ago. If, at a traffic intersection, you try to figure out the synchronization pattern between your car's blinkers or wipers and the others'.
If you can name all the cards in your PC without looking.
If you can cite the latest Intel or Motorola microprocessor generation number such as 80686 or 68060, but can't remember your spouse's birthday.
If you are better with a Karnaugh map than you are with a street map.
If you have at least one historical computer in your closet.
If you take along a printout of the schedule of your family vacation.
If you always have to explain things by drawing it out on paper or a napkin.
If your computer is down, you don't know what date is it today and miss all meetings too. If you read through this list completely ... and try to convince yourself not to agree with at least one of them.
If you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.